Hever Castle run-out

After a swift ride down through sun dappled lanes the mighty attack force of centre 14 and friends reached Hever Castle, and on production of a few gold coins (so much easier than using a battering ram) gained entry so our champion could defend his jousting title that he won last year. Parking up the assembled mass headed to the arena.

And so our valiant hero (that’s Steve) prepared to defend his honour. He had spent the last year preparing his new armour, some purchased at great reduction at the BMF show. He now stood in front of the milling throng that is the Cockney Rejects and friends. “so what do you think?” he asked.

Anne and the others looked in disbelief, for indeed our hero really did cut quite a dash. Sporting his new armour and a new lance, shield and sword (the shield and sword presented to him at the Srumpies party). Now let us first dear readers explain to you the lance. Steve ever resourceful had created it from 3/8^th Black iron conduit with a couple of connectors. Mr Chicken and chips had made a lovely hand guard from an off cut of MDF, and an old Baja handgrip had been supeglued on for comfort, with a quick brush of gold hammerite it looked magnificent.

Now you will all be asking how about the sartorial eloquence of our illustrious leader?

So impressed was he by Sarah’s mithrall armour at the Ely Rally that he had Jackie crochet him one as well, however I do believe the decision to use the odds and ends of wool Jacky had left over was not such a good idea, as it did look a little like an explosion in a paint factory. The armour was then worn  over a padded nylon jacket (with dodgy zip’s) with gloves with strange hooks (one of Steve’s BMF bargains).

Upon our champions legs were of course his padded motorcycle jeans, but to protect those areas that were missed by the use of bungies and cable ties Steve had attached sections of old motorcycle tyres. Upon his feet once more a BMF bargain and this time a splendid pink coloured pair of suede DM boots.

And so the assembled throng all agreed that indeed Steve did cut quite a dash.

Donning his roof crash helmet Steve walked towards his transport. As his Virago is now nice and shiny he decided instead to use a Honda Dax 70 that he had found propping up a fence near Beckenham (ok lets be honest it was Penge).

With several frantic kicks he started this magnificent machine and wobbled precariously into the main arena. A plume of blue smoke following him, coughing and spluttering behind the Rejects made a hasty retreat to the Bar and other areas, leaving just Anne to watch his progress. Passing him once again the same fetid piece of cloth that he used as a favour last year.

As the smoke cleared Steve lined up against his first opponent, The Black Knight’s  magnificent warhorse pawing the ground ready for battle. And so battle commenced.

I do not think it would be a good idea to explain how Steve battled on but suffice to say he upheld his honour valiantly, but unfortunately his machine slid on a leftover hotdog crashing into the central barrier leaving him to the mercy of his opponent. Eventually the ref called time and battered and bruised Steve left the field, dragging his severely bent lance behind.

Al who had returned from the Bar offered Steve the use of his first aid kit, and Anne ever the tactician , with skills learnt from Steve, consoled him by telling him where a really good party was to be held.

With a groan Steve limped off to the bar to drown his sorrows.

I really do not think that Jousting is a sport I should continue, winced Steve as he tried to sit (rather awkwardly ) on his bike later. The others it must be said all agreed, but we were all very very worried about why Dave “bitchboy” Kenway had such an enthusiastic glint in his eye, or was it the thought of the Bustles and tall hats that the ladies were all wearing?